A shocking new study has shown that video-games are very strongly positively correlated with getting into Heaven.
Heaven, which has seen its admission rate fall to record lows as more applications have landed at the pearly gates, now is seemingly opening its gates to all gamers.
This has come as a surprise to many in the Baby Boomer generation, who have long attributed the rise in mass shootings to the increasing popularity of violent video-games.
I just don’t understand, I guess. I mean, you have this generation that does nothing but engage in virtual destruction with their Grand Thief Autos and ForkKnives. They aren’t even interested in keeping the sanctity of love, forgoing getting a blowjob in the Oval Office for Minecraft Titties.
– Current Baby Boomer Bill Clinton.
We sat down with Pope Francis to get more information on both the application process, and the situation upstairs.
WahooWriters (WW): So, do you believe that playing video-games leads to violence?
Da Pope (DP): Well, what other explanation is there? I mean, look at this graph. It shows a substantial positive correlation between video-game adoption and mass shootings.
WW: Uh, Mr. Pope Sir, that X variable, could you read it to me?
DP: Number of boys touched at ch- wait a second now we must have used the wrong data in Excel.
WW: So God doesn’t support mass shooters then?
DP: Of course not, they’re going to Hell.
WW: Along with the abusive priests?
DP: God left me on Read on that one, sorry.
WW: So, what’s the decision process usually like then?
DP: Well, first we consider whether or not they have freckles. I won’t say which way we swing, but I think it’s pretty obvious. Next, we consider their ranks in popular video-games, as God is trying to field one of the best e-sports teams in the universe to take on Satan. He has been kicking our ass in Rocket League lately. Lastly, there’s everything else they’ve ever done, but that’s really only considered if the freckle and gaming tests prove inconclusive.
WW: This has been very informative. Thank you!
The rising number of applications to Heaven can largely be attributed to climate change wiping entire Floridian cities off the face of the planet. Questions have been raised in the break room here as to whether or not that’s really an issue, so we asked our viewers to get a better perspective.
Well, I think the biggest issue is that the white population won’t be able to make their annual pilgrimage to Disney in Orlando or The Florida Keys. This, I think, should now motivate them to do something about climate change.
– An ethnic citizen who has asked us repeatedly not to refer to him as ‘ethnic’
So, then, what can you to do get into Heaven? Here’s our top 3 tips.
1: Game often, game well. It seems to be getting harder and harder to gain admittance to Heaven without having top-tier gaming ability. Our recommendation? Choose a game that no one really plays, like Fallout 4 or Destiny 2, as you will stand out amongst the crowd. Stop going to class, stop studying, just focus on increasing your K/D ratio. Life on this planet lasts, like, way less than life in Heaven. It’s worth it.
2: Consider getting a letter of recommendation and having it with you when you die. Look, mail delivery isn’t easy and mailing a letter all the way up there not only costs an otherworldly amount, but also takes forever to be delivered. God is too busy pwning noobs to wait for your letter to get there and deliver your verdict. That being said, avoid your local priests, their letters are too cliche. Try getting ahold of gaming legend Jack Black, if you’re successful our sources tell us you’re almost certain to get in.
3: Turn on post notifications for Donald Trump. During a lucid dreaming session, I managed to ask God “Hey, uh, what the fuck?” regarding the current timeline that we’re living in. She responded, telling me that she couldn’t say much, but that she is communicating to us via Donald Trump. Also, yes, God is a woman.