There I was, eleven years old and had just recently inherited my sister’s old laptop. Bright pink and with the horsepower of a disabled pony, there was only one thing this baby could play: Minecraft.
What do I even say about this game?
Released in 2011, Minecraft is now the best selling video-game of all time. But why?
This game is awful. Visually, it looks like it was created by a monkey using technology from the late 1980s. I think the reason my glasses are so thick today is from looking at those god awful textures.
Regarding the game-play, it’s even worse. You can’t walk five blocks without being blown up by a ‘Creeper,’ which I must add is offensive and insensitive to anyone who has ever had a member of the male species DM them on Instagram.
The end goal is confusing. Kill a dragon in a world that I don’t even live in and doesn’t impact me in the slightest? Why? As a vegan, I’m a friend to all animals, and frankly, dragons are fucking rad. I’ll stay inside my dirt house, thank you.
The music is boring. I’ve fallen asleep many times while playing this game, and I usually play at noon! At least the song ‘Death‘ off the soundtrack is relatable as that’s the only thing I desire after playing this game.
The length of the game and it’s replay value are disappointing. In five minutes I’m decked out in full leather armor and a dirt mansion (recreating what I live in IRL, after donating all my money to buy ranks on Minecraft servers).
There’s also no story. The closest thing to a plot that I’ve encountered is when someone tried being my Minecraft gf when I was thirteen, but then ‘she’ turned out to be a 34 year old ‘he,’ despite what his skin suggested.
This game isn’t original, either. Terraria was released months earlier, and the only positive surprise this game has delivered is their ability to copy Terraria so quickly.
The mechanics might be the only thing that would have saved this game, had Microsoft not messed everything up as usual. Smashing my mouse button over and over again to swing my sword used to be my primary method of cardio, but that has been replaced with a combat system that emphasizes waiting instead of spamming buttons. How am I supposed to lose weight now, assholes?
Overall, a 3/10 game. You’re better off playing Terraria, CS:GO, or even Fortnite. To be blunt, you’re probably a boring person if you like this game.